Learning how to live for myself has taught me how to live for others appropriately. This is to my teacher, earth, who has provided me with everything I needed to learn.
Staring at the hamsters that one could debate are caged, I felt greedy. Was there confinement exploitation of their lives? Animals instinctively live their lives for themselves. Life: the greatest and most natural freedom. They live their lives most efficiently. Humans bring forth another element, a mutation, which is a deeper level of consciousness that can disambiguate awareness.
His head does not move. He knows that there is much more to this life than being plunged into it. Sitting alone in front of the North Building of Hunter College, facing 69th and 70th Streets on a backless bench, legs folded, he is dormant, like Park Avenue.
Only his hair moves, one strand chasing after the next when the wind hums. Wearing a lime-colored polo, white-washed jeans, and shoes so brown it looks as if he has tried to see and understand everything, he reads a dull, blue textbook. His book-bag and wrist-watch remain idle.
He is my subject. I’ve convinced myself that he is “the one” I was waiting for. He reminded me of myself, yet contrasted me enough to want to focus.
I try to focus, but the wind is whispering and I believe he is enjoying it. It’s a breath of fresh air and every molecule that he needs. It’s a break from the Hunter College clutter that consists of gregarious cliques. It is ritualistic; this is how he functions best. It becomes clear that this is a first-time experience. I would have seen me by now, but he reads on.
A few days ago, I used to have trouble staring at text. My mind would become pregnant from listening to seeds of doubt. Today, I hear the city breathing gently, but strongly; sure of itself. My eyes used to dart from print to person when I should have been reading my dull, blue book.
I kept on hearing the same lost and projected utterances of wisdom and could no longer trust myself or others; the obvious was muffled by fear.
The people that I love have always been guiding me and I was always chasing symmetry. At the same time, I knew what I wanted: contentedness, which I have learned is self-mediated sanity.
The chatter in my head is silenced. I no longer sputter out draft after draft of what I know how to say. I’m not broken; in this world there is always room for another draft. Focusing I finally see it. I understand the beauty of humanity and the magnetism that we share with one another, regardless of unimportant labels. The reality is that because he is human, imperfect, I can see myself when I do more than attempt to look into another person’s eyes.
I looked at both hamsters. I’d been reading that they could potentially fight to the death, in my dull, blue textbook. They knew what they wanted. Here I was trying to teach them how to live. Finally understanding, I let go.